Angelina Jolie Computer Virus Poised to Strike

REDMOND, Wash. – The Angelina Jolie virus, a new and potentially smothering computer virus, is set to strike computers around the world on Friday. Popularly known as the Black Mother Widow (BMW) virus, this dangerous scourge is thought to be the work of an Amsterdam-based group of hackers that calls itself Één meer Toke. Microsoft officials, who claimed at first that Windows operating systems are “impervious” to the BMW virus, now assure all Microsoft users that a new service pack will be released “before or shortly after” the BMW virus is launched. The Windows service pack, after it has been installed, will require Windows users to leave their computers unplugged for “at least ten days” before rebooting.

“Current research is trending toward the conclusion that computers left unplugged, even if they are running Windows Vista and Microsoft Mail, are at least 50 percent less likely to be infected with a virus than computers actually connected to the Internet," said one Microsoft security official. The BMW (or Angelina Jolie) virus first appeared in Cambodia on March 9, 2002, when the computer system in a Battambang adoption center crashed, destroying all adoption records and allowing Ms. Jolie to adopt a seven-month-old infant named Rath Vibol, who had previously been scheduled to go to a well-known American television actress. The BMW virus was thought to have been a one off until it resurfaced in Ethiopia on July 5, 2005, once again destroying orphanage records just before Ms. Jolie adopted a six-month-old girl whose mother had never signed the child over for adoption.

From Ethiopia the BMW virus matriculated to Zimbabwe, where it scrambled air traffic control computers, forcing the country to close its airspace during an extended stay by Ms. Jolie and her companion Brad Pitt. The last known appearance of the virus was in Vietnam on March 14 this year. Computer security experts are of two minds regarding the approaching launch of the BMW virus. Some believe the effects will be confined to an impoverished Third World country from which Ms. Jolie will abscond with yet another child, perhaps twins this time. Other experts warn that the virus has been reconfigured and is now targeting your bandwidth, your banking information, and all your passwords. Observers are not sure what use the creators of the virus plan for this information, but a recent posting on the Één meer Toke website (éénmeertoke.org) struck fear into the hearts of computer users. “Uw gegevens staan door een kwaad, gulzig wijfje worden geslikt op het punt, domoor.”

In other news, several members of the Baltimore Ravens football team blamed the Sean Taylor Jinx for their loss to the undefeated New England Patriots last night. “Damn, we love Sean like a brother,” said linebacker Ray Lewis, “but is this the best he could do for us after we dedicated the game to him and everything?” Mr. Lewis pointed out that Mr. Taylor is in danger of becoming a pariah among NFL teams “before he’s even cold in the ground. I mean, look at the heartbreaking loss his old team, the Redskins, suffered on Sunday after vowing to win one for Sean.”

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